My focus for April was all about trying to get myself into good shape. And although I’ve done quite a bit of hiking, my preparation this month wasn’t solely about my physical conditioning. I also spent a good deal of time working on my mental hang-ups too.
Letting my hair down
So let’s start with a simple problem with a dramatic result. The one issue I couldn’t seem to push past these last few months was, “What the heck do I do with my hair while I’m on the AT?”
I know that sounds like a frivolous concern, but there’s some backstory here. While I was in the Army, I had short hair. In fact, I’ve worn my hair in a super short pixie cut for pretty much the last two decades.
After retiring from the Army, it’s pretty common for veterans to let their hair down – quite literally. We no longer have to comply with Army grooming regulations for the first time in our adult lives. As a consequence, you’ll frequently see Army vets, who were clean shaven for their entire 20s and 30s, now suddenly sporting ‘mountain man’ beards in retirement.
In my case, I decided to let my hair grow out when I took off the uniform too. I had visions of nice long locks trailing down my back. It was supposed to be everything I wanted all those years in the military when I couldn’t wear my hair loose.
But, I soon grew frustrated with it. Dealing with longer tresses was just a pain after so many years of a ‘no muss, no fuss’ hairstyle. My hair isn’t naturally easy. It’s a wild, wavy mess when it grows out. Which means I need to blow dry it, and straighten it, and add lots of hair products – just to look semi-presentable.
Frankly, that’s just way too much work. Especially when you’re going to be on trail, and will be far away from civilization and electricital outlets for several months. So, this week I just cut it ALL OFF and went right back to my pre-trail locks!
I have to say, this change really lightened my “mental load” tremendously. I can let my hair grow wild and not worry about how I look. The wind no longer blows my bangs into my eyes. And I don’t need to carry any hairbands or other accessories on trail.
But most importantly, I realized this change made me really feel like myself again. You need a bold personality to pull off short hair. And with my new haircut, I regained some of that fearless, rough-around-the-edges persona that I’d been trying to soften ever since I left the military.
Watch your step!
Of course, getting ready for the AT hasn’t been 100% carefree or about hair appointments. It’s also been about preparing for the mental challenges along the way.
One good example was my hike back down from Pinnacle Mountain in South Carolina. I wasn’t paying very close attention to the trail. The sun was out and it was a perfect day out. I was completely lost in my own thoughts and just cruising down the hill at a brisk pace.
All of the sudden, my right shoe caught on a tree root. And before I knew it, I pitched forward with immense force. Although I was using trekking poles, they didn’t help keep me upright. Instead, I fell insanely hard – landing on my left knee, elbow, and hip.
As I lay there in the middle of the trail wincing in pain, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and have a good cry. From the physical point of view, I was battered. My knee throbbed and my hip flexor ached (can you tear a hip flexor while falling, I wondered??) And I was a good two miles from the closest trailhead.
Mentally I felt like a complete idiot, but I also knew I needed to get my head back into the game. The trail is no place for babies. Lots of crap is going to happen out on the AT. I’m probably going to fall down quite a few more times before Maine — literally and figuratively.
What really matters is that I continue to get up and move another step close to my goal. So, I dusted myself off, rinsed the blood off my knee, and started hobbling down toward my destination to “shake it off.” And that got me thinking about the Finnish word ‘sisu.’
What is Sisu?
Sisu is one of those words that’s hard to define. No single definition captures its full meaning. In the most literal sense, sisu is about determination to persevere despite the odds.
Sisu is often described as the trait that helped the Finns successfully beat the Soviets during the Winter War of 1939-1940. As they endured bitter cold and insurmountable odds, they fiercely held out against an enemy that drastically outnumbered them. Each time they faced certain defeat, the Finns squeezed another ounce of resistance, adapting and preserving until they ultimately won.
But really, sisu is about more than just tenacity. It’s about the ability to push beyond your mental and physical capacity. Sisu is what helps you approach challenges with the brave confidence that you WILL succeed, no matter how hard it gets.
That grit and sense of willpower to push past obstacles is something that’s flowed through my veins my entire life. I rarely cede when things get difficult. I continue to press on – steadfast with an inner strength. As things get hard, my energy and determination increase proportionately.
Sisu is what may help me ultimately succeed or get through bad times on trail, but I know it can also be problematic too. In it’s most extreme form, sisu can spiral into overconfidence and hubris. It is what holds me back from asking for help when I need it. And it may be what could lead to burnout on trail.
Appalachian Trials
To help me work on balancing my sisu with a little bit of mental preparation, I spent a few days re-reading the book Appalachian Trials by Zach Davis. This book is about laying the emotional and psychological groundwork to successfully thru-hike a long trail.
I haven’t looked at the book since I read it a few years ago. But, now that I’m on the cusp of my own thru-hike I found it was 100% worth my time to re-read. Spending my time and energy considering exactly how I’ll tackle the various mental obstacles I’m certain to encounter is just as important as having confidence and drive.
So I spent ample time these past few weeks pondering all types of emotional challenges that will crop up on trail. How will I deal with the incessant rain? What about the bugs annoyingly swirling around my head? How will I cope with feeling grimy and uncomfortable all the time? What are my fears? And so on…
I also sat down and made a list of all the things motivating me to take on this thru-hiking journey. In his book, Zach encourages hikers to complete the following phrases:
- I’m hiking the AT because….
- When I successfully thru-hike the AT, I will…
- If I give up on the AT, I will…
I wrote down all the possible responses I could think of for each one. After all, there’s not just one reason I’m hiking the AT. Nor will there be just one regret if I give in and serious contemplate quitting on a bad day. Essentially, I’m focusing on my “why” of thru-hiking and not just the dogged determination to keep me going.
My list is very personal, but I know writing it down was an important step to getting into the right headspace for this journey. I even wrote it down inside the front cover of the journal I’m bringing along on my hike. This will allow me to look at it whenever I need to focus on the bigger picture.
Final Thoughts
As I inch closer to my departure date, I’m feeling pretty good about where I am mentally and physically. Taking a little extra time to prepare for the emotional part of this journey is a worthwhile endeavor, especially given that 75% of people quit the trail before Maine.
I know I’ll still have hard days. It’s almost certain I’ll endure minor injures or run into obstacles along the way. But, I feel ready to take on this trail and anything it can throw at me!